ONE YEAR AFTER

So it's been a year, this Monday. I've had a packed full week because it was my mom's birthday, so I'll start from the beginning.

Although Christmas holiday started this week, our chemistry teacher wanted to hold an extra tutorial class on Monday as we will be having our mocks soon and are slightly behind schedule. We covered the whole of Inorganic Chemistry that day, from 9-5pm. My overworked brain has simply stopped working since...I really should look over my notes again...

Anyway, my grandpa loved plants and fish, and my mom was very close to him and always said we should carry on his hobbies. But...my passion lies in furry little piggies. Not sure she shared quite the same enthusiasm, but she did drop the hint here and there that she wished I had more of a green thumb. (and you know when women "hint" it's really a MUST, right?) But, case in point, has she seen our current plants? They are all going through various stages of....well, death.

But still, I know it's never going to completely sink into her that I'm just a pig person. To her, I think I'll just be labelled: "not trying hard enough"

It's her birthday. I didn't want to get her something predictable like the ice cream cake we get every year, or some cook book. I want so bad to make this one special, because although she drives me so, so crazy sometimes...I know I have let her down too. and there are so many things I want to make up to her....a little at a time, perhaps.

Mom always wanted to have her own garden, plant her own vegetables. But we can only afford to rent a flat all these years, and I just wish I could do more for her. So I decided to transform our window still into a makeshift "garden", complete with a fish tank. Felix was a bit skeptical about this, but I think he was just lazy

So after our chem session on Monday, I met up with Felix and hurried to Mong Kok Goldfish street for the supplies. This is also the most popular pet street in hong kong, so it was lined with puppy and kitten shops....bunnies and guinea pigs. But focus. Today, is a goldfish-flower day.

Flash forward, I got home with about a dozen various potted plants, including three beautiful poinsettias. Oh, those are so pretty! and I know that initial thrill you get when you buy something new home and you tell yourself you're gonna be a GOOD hamster mama or you're going to knit the most elaborate sweaters with your new DIY knitting kit...etc.etc. only to abandon them later as you lose interest. I've had a lot of impulse buys in my life, like clothes and books I now regret. But the one major impulse buy that was the beginning of so many things for me was...

and really, life has never been the same

from this: 

to this:

 
then THIS:

 
and finally...on the last night...

through the laughter and the heartache....I still remember them like it was yesterday.

So here I am, Saturday morning. Finally some peaceful time. No places we need to go today, no phones calls I need to make. and I sit here thinking of those days when he was in my life... 

and just how irreplaceable he is

me no want!

I remember last year around this time, I bought these adorable piggy-wear that I wanted to do a photoshoot of them. See, Shylie wearing the pink and Puffy the blue! But he was gone before I had a chance, and I never took these out again because it feels wrong without Puffy 

and I remember when I used to feed him Critical Care everyday to keep his weight at least above 720g...how he hovered around 716g. How he didn't want anymore but I tried to feed him some more. How he must have already had the stone in his kidney by then....and he was always brave for me 

I remember going back to the doctor afterwards as I had some questions hanging. Of course, the biggest one was did the stone hurt him? He told me if it were in the kidney and hitting the tissues in there, it would hurt him.

*sob* thinking back now, this must be why in the last month or two, I often find him hunched like this: 

how I wondered why he didn't stretch out so comfy like he used to, all the time: 

 

how I hardly saw him yawn like he used to, without a care in the world 

how I wondered what I did wrong, what I should have done differently. and all the things that could have been.

But alas, that is life. It isn't fair...and too often on the most innocent.

My mom tells me that she doesn't want to have pets because it's all too heartbreaking when they're gone. But I always think of T.S. Elliot's quote:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"

Indeed...I'd rather have once had Puffy IN my life: 

 
...than to never have known him at all..:')

I mean...I'll be doing this every year. Every year at this time. But what makes me sad is I'll only have this many photos of him...now that I'm actually sitting here writing, I suddenly am out of words. Sometimes I could talk endlessly about him, but other times, it's like something caught in my throat and a picture says a million words ?